Archive for the ‘Teen stuff’ Category

Remember that parenting a teen involves guidance and encouragement…as opposed to reward and punishment.  Rewards and punishments encourage pushing of limits…to see how far they can get.  That works till they are about 11 years old or so.  We need to teach this generation insight and common sense which requires boundaries and guidance.  Boundaries are for the parent, by the way, so that they can parent consistantly and teach respect and honesty.

You can have anything you want in this lifetime, it’s all in your approach.  So if your approach sucks…so will your results.

Parent Alienation is any type of behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, which mentally manipulates a child into believing that the other parent is the cause of all of the problems (their’s and the alienating parent’s) in their lives and that the other parent is the “enemy”, “bad one”, “dead beat”, “irresponsible” or one to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

If you feel that your parent is doing this….please tell someone like a counselor, who can help you.

There are many methods that the alienating parent may use and I will post them a couple at a time.

Marty writes:  My girlfriend is 120 lbs and thinks she is fat and thinks she is not were she need to be… How do I tell her she is fine where she is without being critical? I mean literally she is skinny and thinks there are places on her body that make her look fat.

Sonia says:  I’d be a rich woman if I could come up with the answer to this one….right?  I do it too.  What I think we need to do individually is focus on what we can change and then go from there.  If she hates her hips, she can do exercises to help them.  I know when I feel fat, it is because there is a part of my body that bugs me…it’s not necessarily fat, I just want it toned.  Also, if she is small and always has been small, it’s hard to not notice any changes, even if they are small.  Get it?  It’s weird, I know.  I am a little heavier than I’ve ever been right now, and I can’t believe that I complained about my weight 2 sizes ago.  But, now I get it…I really did notice every little thing.  It does become obsessive…seriously…and it’s not healthy.

Therapeutically, it would help your girlfriend to explore what she fears.  Is her fear really getting fat?  Is it fear that you will leave if she isn’t perfect? Or maybe that you will look at other girls if she can’t compete?  Only she knows.  As far as what you can do goes….just tell her that you love her just the way she is and that she is awesome….and it would help your relationship if she got to the place where she thought she was awesome too.

Pay attention to the reality of the situation, not the fantasy in your mind.

My significant other’s ex wife told her 17 year old son that she would rather die than have her son live with his father and that she would take him to court….She has also documented that she has no involvement in her son’s relationship with his father.  He is having trouble at home with her apparently.  He says she is controlling and difficult.   It  probably had to do with his confusion about his father.  He wants to know more about his dad so he called him and asked to come live with him.   She, of course, blew a gasket and convinced him that he didn’t know his dad well enough and if he knew what he was really like…… What a typical way to scare someone into doing what they want.  She wants her son to continue to “hate” his father and she has almost succeeded.  The 17 year old doesn’t hate his dad, but is used to the fact that his father is not around, so that must mean what mom said is true….that he doesn’t care or is not interested.  The child has no idea what the father has gone thru because the mom has methodically, thru the years, brainwashed all 3 of the children into believing that “dad” is a deadbeat.  She has made it her life’s mission to destroy this man.  Why?  She got divorced….and she got a bunch of money.   Why would she want to emotionally mess up her own kids?  It is one of the most self centered things that a person can do.  She has basically controlled the lives and well being of 4 people…..and all for her own interests.

Over the next few months, I will be posting the signs of parent alienation, as well as some facts.  Our system needs to change.  Too many children are being affected by the untreated  personality disorders of others…and yup….I’m pissed.

Charlie writes: Is it just me, or does it seem that a greater number of teenagers seem to lack the motivation it takes to succeed in life?  Vidoe games, texting, hlicopter parents?  Is there a connection here?

Sonia says:  In my opinion there is a connection.  It’s called over stimulation!  Why be motivated.  Everything is so convenient and that’s what this generation is taught….if it takes too much motivation or work…don’t do it.  I’m not saying tht cell phones and video games are not cool, because they are awesome.  But…what happened to riding your bike, or actually writing a note?  We have been overtaken by  the convenience of technology.  It causes ADD….they can’t concentrate unless it’s of interest to them and if they do find focus, it’s only for a minute.  We have created an over stimulated, over anxious world….

Melanie writes:  I am concerned about my daughters self esteem. She is always worried about how she looks or if she looks fat.She is very critical of her appearance.If she cannot find something to wear she will not go out.How do you build self esteem in a teenager? She is a beautiful girl, however has had to deal with girls being very jealous, critical and mean at school.I changed her to a different high school that was not as affluent and that seems to have helped.

Sonia says: Your daughter is not alone.  It is so hard to be a teen today…there is so much competition.  I think that we don’t encourage them to communicate properly.  It’s all about who has the most stuff, who is skinniest, who has the best clothes etc. etc.  So to answer your question about what to do….I say offer guidance and encouragement and do it often.  If they make a C…say “Good, you passed. Are you happy with what you did?”.  Teach them how to make decisions for themselves, not to make efforts for you.  As for the weight issue, depending on the extent of things, consider having an objective party talk with her.  I cannot tell you how much a girl’s therapy group does for a teenager in her position.  I’m not saying that your daughter “needs therapy”, but I don’t know a teenager that could not benefit from talking to someone (other than their parent’s) that is reliable and objective.  It’s a great resource for everyone.  If you want to give me more details, I’d be glad to comment further!