Archive for the ‘Teen stuff’ Category

Insight vs. Instinct….

Insight is knowing why you know something…..instinct requires no voluntary action

Success….

Your success shows up as a result of how you show up…..so show up unattached

to all of your crap.  Better yet, get rid of the crap.

Results of parent alienation

When a parent alienates their child from the other rightful parent, it disrupts their moral content.  It disrupts their ability to develop their value system properly.  It disrupts their ability to come to conclusions or decisions rationally.  They are forced,.sometimes abruptly ,to choose who to go “against”. They learn that choices or decisions don’t necessarily require negotiation, or gathering of information.  The most important thing becomes not upsetting the alienating parent….because they are usually the ones who have primary custody and essentially make most of their “choices” anyway.  Keep peace…..keep it quiet.

Maybe this is what is wrong with our country….bad parenting. 

Of course, you know I have to give an example:  Jon’s kids are so brainwashed that they sincerely believe that he is useless, irresponsible, broke, and not interested in them.  Why?  Well, that is what they have been told for 20 years.  Why didn’t he fight it?  He did….but he ran out of money.  Then what?  The kids lived hundreds of miles away….and still do.  How far do you go when your kids don’t want to see you anyway?  When they have been completely cut off from his side of the family like they never existed?  He tries to keep up with his 17 year old son.  We made several attempts to see him in the past year.  The visits usually lasted about 15 minutes to and hour and a half.  He won’t come to see us….it would upset his mom too much.  He now lives with his uncle because his mom threatened to die before she allowed her son to live with his father.  That’s pretty sick.  Recently  the child put up a picture of himself (at like 3 years old) with his step dad.  His step dad is listed as his dad….because he has been told that his real dad has never been there…and so that is what they believe.  They were pretty young when the divorce happened, so it’s not exactly hard to change or influence the memories that kids have in their little heads.   So it didn’t matter that he showed up at their doorstep  for visitation to have the door slammed in his face….or that his ex wife declared his company in bankruptcy after they were divorced, forcing him into financial duress.  It didn’t matter  how many cards, or phone calls, or attempts that he made….they were still being told on a regular basis that their dad was not there, didn’t care , that he never fought for them and that he just sucked as a human…. 

And so he does….in their eyes.  And so they move into their adulthood with half the truth.  Are they going to have healthy relationships? Or are they going to repeat cycles.  Their mother was abandoned by her father…..so she repeated the cycle and recreated that with her own kids.  She has single handedly created a situation that looks just like hers.  It looks like Jon abandoned his kids like her father abandoned her.  It’s just so tragic….and abusive.  Therapy would have been a much better option.  What a horrible thing to do to your own children.

We are at the mercy of our unwillingness to create a new thought…

Luck…

Luck is where opportunity meets preparedness……(said by one of my clients)

Unconditional love and acceptance

It’s hard to walk away from unconditional love and acceptance….so offer it up, even when you don’t want to….the results will astound you, I promise.  When you get really good at it, your mind finds a sense of peace…lower stress and accountability with yourself.

Mean teen….

Margaret writes: Hey Sonia ~ what would cause a teen to start calling me names when she is angry ? I would never even dream of this as a child!!! My child is so disrespectful and her mouth has gotten bad!I have even called the jail to see if they have a scared staright program and they will let her visit and spend time there for a SAT. She is almost 16 and yes she has been spoiled and the only child. I am divorced 9 yrs and her dad is now gay. Do you think I should get her counseling or anger management? I need help. She is also very worried about her weight all the time and is snapping pics to see how she looks in outfits after she tries them on to see how she looks and will change if she doesnt like the pic.
Thanks Margaret

Sonia says: Find her a therapist pronto and preferably a group too.  I always have both available. Not only does she have to deal with her parents divorcing, but she has to deal with her father changing sexual preferences.  That’s tough for a kid and trauma shows up in many different ways.  Sometimes it’s anger, and sometimes it’s more depressive, or isolative or compulsive.  It just depends on the person. 

Also,you are probably the custodial parent, which makes you the primary parent and sometimes that means you are the most unconditional parent.  Your daughter may feel abandoned due to the divorce and the “loss” of her dad as she knew her dad….and so she could be “testing” you to see if you are going to leave too.

Yelling at you though, is not ok and neither is calling you names , obviously…so she needs to work on her approach to you and maybe you to her.  You can find a therapist by lookng up “professional counseling association” online.  For Georgia it’s LPCA (Licensed Professional  Counselors of Georgia).  There should be a list with therapist’s specialties and stuff.  Make the call!  It changes everything.

Family gatherings…

Ahhhhhh……the Holidays.  You can always count on someone to screw it up, act out or cause a family crisis…..right?

A.  Don’t drink too much.  It doesn’t relieve the stress….it just makes more.

B.  Bring toys for your kids.  Bring dvds for your kids.  Bring kids for your kids.  Just don’t let them run wild.  Watch them.  DON’T EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO DO IT FOR YOU.

C.  Don’t talk politics.  The President is at his own family dinner managing his own family issues.

D. Talk about happy things….not all of your personal crap.  It’s dinner and a visit, not a therapy session.

Just some food for thought.  Oh, and try not to catch anything on fire.

Integrity…

Integrity is more than just honoring your word….it is completing the task as it is meant to be done.

How do you know you are ready to date?

Emmie writes:  Does dating and who you chose to date have anything to do with your self image?  When do you know when you are in a healthy place to date?

Sonia says: Absolutely.  I talk about this in my book….we seek out in others what we see in ourselves.  So, if you see yourself as “less than” or if you do things to present yourself in a “lessor” way, than you will probably end up dating the same….over and over.  One of my biggest issues has been finding someone who is emotionally available.  Well….I struggled a lot with feeling like I was “enough”….smart enough, pretty enough, financially stable enough, independent enough.  It’s not that easy to figure out that the men that I dated were also “not enough”.  Why should they be when I was overcompensating, trying to prove how “enough” I was.  They didn’t have to be….I ended up doing it all.  So discovering the difference between being emotionally available and vulnerable was a big awakening for me. 

To answer your question…yes, it does matter.  Work on you and then the right one will come around…or you will seek him out.  Don’t make any decisions before you are ready to make them.  In my opinion, unless you just got out of a long relationship, and need to give yourself a little breathing room…go out!.  If an opportunity comes around to date someone…go!  If it’s nice, go again….if it sucks, try someone else.  Part of growing is knowing how to say when someone is not healthy for you!  You won’t know if you don’t go out and meet a few frogs.  It is really empowering to KNOW when someone is not right for you because THEY are not in an evolved enough place for you.

thanks…..good question!

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