Archive for the ‘Self Esteem/Self Concept’ Category

Emmie writes:  Does dating and who you chose to date have anything to do with your self image?  When do you know when you are in a healthy place to date?

Sonia says: Absolutely.  I talk about this in my book….we seek out in others what we see in ourselves.  So, if you see yourself as “less than” or if you do things to present yourself in a “lessor” way, than you will probably end up dating the same….over and over.  One of my biggest issues has been finding someone who is emotionally available.  Well….I struggled a lot with feeling like I was “enough”….smart enough, pretty enough, financially stable enough, independent enough.  It’s not that easy to figure out that the men that I dated were also “not enough”.  Why should they be when I was overcompensating, trying to prove how “enough” I was.  They didn’t have to be….I ended up doing it all.  So discovering the difference between being emotionally available and vulnerable was a big awakening for me. 

To answer your question…yes, it does matter.  Work on you and then the right one will come around…or you will seek him out.  Don’t make any decisions before you are ready to make them.  In my opinion, unless you just got out of a long relationship, and need to give yourself a little breathing room…go out!.  If an opportunity comes around to date someone…go!  If it’s nice, go again….if it sucks, try someone else.  Part of growing is knowing how to say when someone is not healthy for you!  You won’t know if you don’t go out and meet a few frogs.  It is really empowering to KNOW when someone is not right for you because THEY are not in an evolved enough place for you.

thanks…..good question!

Remember that parenting a teen involves guidance and encouragement…as opposed to reward and punishment.  Rewards and punishments encourage pushing of limits…to see how far they can get.  That works till they are about 11 years old or so.  We need to teach this generation insight and common sense which requires boundaries and guidance.  Boundaries are for the parent, by the way, so that they can parent consistantly and teach respect and honesty.

You can have anything you want in this lifetime, it’s all in your approach.  So if your approach sucks…so will your results.

Parent Alienation is any type of behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, which mentally manipulates a child into believing that the other parent is the cause of all of the problems (their’s and the alienating parent’s) in their lives and that the other parent is the “enemy”, “bad one”, “dead beat”, “irresponsible” or one to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

If you feel that your parent is doing this….please tell someone like a counselor, who can help you.

There are many methods that the alienating parent may use and I will post them a couple at a time.

Chris writes:  I haven’t seriously dated in quite some time, any advice to those of us in our 40′s on re-entering the dating scene?

Sonia says:  My suggestion is this:  don’t panic.  You are too old for that.  Kidding.  Being in your 40′s offers its advantages.  Usually, you know what you want or are at least more clear about it.  Focusing on what is on the inside makes more sense than it did years ago and being honest isn’t as frightening.  Honesty, openness and willingness….that’s from AA.  It works if you work it…..just make sure you are being honest with yourself.  Most importantly, be yourself and be authentic.

Marty writes:  My girlfriend is 120 lbs and thinks she is fat and thinks she is not were she need to be… How do I tell her she is fine where she is without being critical? I mean literally she is skinny and thinks there are places on her body that make her look fat.

Sonia says:  I’d be a rich woman if I could come up with the answer to this one….right?  I do it too.  What I think we need to do individually is focus on what we can change and then go from there.  If she hates her hips, she can do exercises to help them.  I know when I feel fat, it is because there is a part of my body that bugs me…it’s not necessarily fat, I just want it toned.  Also, if she is small and always has been small, it’s hard to not notice any changes, even if they are small.  Get it?  It’s weird, I know.  I am a little heavier than I’ve ever been right now, and I can’t believe that I complained about my weight 2 sizes ago.  But, now I get it…I really did notice every little thing.  It does become obsessive…seriously…and it’s not healthy.

Therapeutically, it would help your girlfriend to explore what she fears.  Is her fear really getting fat?  Is it fear that you will leave if she isn’t perfect? Or maybe that you will look at other girls if she can’t compete?  Only she knows.  As far as what you can do goes….just tell her that you love her just the way she is and that she is awesome….and it would help your relationship if she got to the place where she thought she was awesome too.

Pay attention to the reality of the situation, not the fantasy in your mind.

Charlie writes: Is it just me, or does it seem that a greater number of teenagers seem to lack the motivation it takes to succeed in life?  Vidoe games, texting, hlicopter parents?  Is there a connection here?

Sonia says:  In my opinion there is a connection.  It’s called over stimulation!  Why be motivated.  Everything is so convenient and that’s what this generation is taught….if it takes too much motivation or work…don’t do it.  I’m not saying tht cell phones and video games are not cool, because they are awesome.  But…what happened to riding your bike, or actually writing a note?  We have been overtaken by  the convenience of technology.  It causes ADD….they can’t concentrate unless it’s of interest to them and if they do find focus, it’s only for a minute.  We have created an over stimulated, over anxious world….