Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

We left off at #10 last time….so to continue with #11.

11. The child is owned, controlled, and indoctrinated by the alienating parent.  That parent is viewed as all good, all wise, and all poerful by the child who becomes dependent, manipulated by them.  There is never questioning that what the parent says or does is always right.

(just recently, Jon’s son called and wanted to come and live with us.  He has just been thru a residential treatment facility.  Interestingly enough, when his mother got wind of it….she threw an absolute fit.  Now he lives with his uncle, or her brother.  She told him that she would rather die than have him live with his father.  Then she threatened to take Jon to court even though she is the one in contempt.  She simply makes it so difficult for her son to have a relationship with his dad that he just succumbs to it.  He can’t take the pressure or the fear that she will abandon him.

12. The child tends to paraphrase statements used by the alienating parent.  The words used are often untypical of words likely to be used by a child.  It is very similar to a cult type of indoctrination.

(Jon called his 7 year old son on Thanksgiving morning to say happy turkey day and his son said….”dad, stop calling here and harassing my family”.  We could not believe it.  Harass?  He didn’t even know what that meant!  His mother grabbed the phone and said, “stop calling here you weirdo”.  This is a true story.  A grown woman who is a parent, said that.)

13. The child suffers from paranoia (hatred) inculcated by the alienating parent who promotes attitudes, intentions, and behaviors of a negative nature to the alienated parent.

(Again, Jon’s ex would tell his son not to take any medicines and to be careful what he ate.  He was told that he had to call her before he went  to bed so she could make sure he was ok.  So his son was afraid that his father was going to give him “drugs”.  He locked himself in the bathroom and would only talk to me.  Thank goodness I was able to explain that this simply was not true.  But….then he went home and got indoctrinated again.

14. The child will speak about exaggerated or contrived abuse that has been experienced from the alienated parent.

(Jon’s daughter wrote a letter to him saying that her mother had to call DFACS on him because he was drunk while they were with him…and that she had to come all the way up from Florida to get them.  Never happened, but the memory was put in her head when she was a kid and she believes her mom.)

(Another good one was from his son….”dad isn’t that the big white house you kicked me and mom out of?”.   Again, never happened.  There was moving, but no “kicking out”.)

15. The child or alienating parent makes statements insinuating quasi or actual sexual, emotional, or physical abuse suffered by the child.

(This is very common.  Jon was not allowed to see his son for months when his ex accused him of physical abuse.  She even made false 911 calls to have him arrested.  Then he had to go thru supervised visitation which, of course, has a negative affecct on the relationship and makes the implication that he is guilty.  It took over a year to prove her wrong.  That is a year lost with the child)

16. The language comes indirectly from the alienator such as, “he touches me inappropriately” or “he has penetrated me,” These are all borrowed scenarios from the alienating parent.

17. Children who are alienated no longer know what the truth is.

(And so they shut down.  They just try to stay where it is safe and forget the other parent.  It’s easier.  There is not way a child could know how to process information this complicated, so they either compartmenatize it , ignore it, or act out.  If they acto out, it is going to be blamed on the alienated paretnt as abuse or abandonment.  Often, we see stomach problems or sleep problems or eating problems as well.)

18. The child who is alienated against the parent will often be alienated against the parent’s family also.

(Grandparents have rights.  It’s hard to exercise in court, but they have rights.  Jon’s kids have not seen or heard the voice of their grandparents in years.  His parents send cards and gifts with no response.  His ex responded one Christmas and said in a card, “Thanks for thinking of us”.  It is inconcievable to me that a person would keep their kids from their grandparents and their cousins.  )

19. The alienator will also poison the child against the therapist unless the therapist supports the alienator.  Hence the therapist is seen as an enemy in the same light as the alienated parent.

(This is where confidentiality becomes very important.  It is imperative that the therapist not base his or her opinion on one side of the story.  I never, ever make a judgement without consulting both sides several times.  The emotional development of a child could depend on me doing a little extra investigation.

20. It is not what the alienator says, but how it is said.  For expample when telling a child “father would like to take you out”, it can be said with joy and enthusiasm indicating positive expectations or it can be said with venom indicating negative feelings. This is what is predominantly communicated to the child rather than the verbal message.

(I have said a million times.  It  is the responsibility of the primary, custodial parent to encourage and maintain the relationship with the other parent.  Period.  Saying “your relationship with your son is your problem.  I have nothing to do with it”…is simply immature and wrong.  Period.)

Remember that parenting a teen involves guidance and encouragement…as opposed to reward and punishment.  Rewards and punishments encourage pushing of limits…to see how far they can get.  That works till they are about 11 years old or so.  We need to teach this generation insight and common sense which requires boundaries and guidance.  Boundaries are for the parent, by the way, so that they can parent consistantly and teach respect and honesty.

You can have anything you want in this lifetime, it’s all in your approach.  So if your approach sucks…so will your results.

This is from a publication by Ludwig Lowenstein, Ph.d in 2005.  The stuff in italics is from Sonia.

A number of signs or indicators of alienation can be identified. It should be recognized that not all these signs appear in all cases…This unfortuately tends to be the father (being alienated), but there are cases where the mother is alienated also.  Whomever uses alienation procedures or brainwashing to get the child to hate the other parent is clearly in the wrong and is guilty of causing harm to the child in the present and future.  The is considerable research indicating the harm that is done to children who are alienated against a parent when they are young….

It should also be noted that the alienating parent usually has some individuation issues and a personality disorder….ie. has a hard time seperating themselves as a person from their children and in effect lives thru them very inappropriately.  Hence the alienator gives the appearance of being a wonderful and doting parent when in reality  there is little concern about the welfare of the children….just their own vengeance toward the other parent.  You will see cases where the primary mission of the alienating parent is to destroy the other parent in any and every way possible even at the expense of emotionally disrupting the children or basically brainwashing them.

Here are some signs per Dr. Lowenstein:

1. Lack of independent thinking from the child imitating the alienator’s thoughts and feelings.

2. Destroying mail or even presents from the alienated parent.  Jon’s ex wife never gave any of the cards or packages that he sent to his kids, to his kids.  I even sent them some to see if it was true.  They never got anything.  When he called, she would just hang up the phone and tell the kids he never tried to contact them.  She did this a couple of months ago, even after more than 10 years.

3. the alienating parent tends to seek to curtail all communication between the child and the alienated parent.

4.The alienated parent is seen as the scapegoat. he or she is blamed for everything that has gone wrong with the child.  There is no sense of ambivalence.

5. The child calls the alienated parent a liar and other abusive names similar to the alienating parent. 

6. The child insults, shows disrespect, and humiliates the alienated parent often in front of the alienator.

7. Alienated parents are viewed as being despicable, faulty and deserving of being rejected permanently.

8. Parents who alienate children are seducing the child emotionally and will continue to do this while in control of the child, yet they deny that they are doing anything but encouraging the child to make contact with the alienated parent.  I could write a book on this myself.  This indicator is the key to alienation in my opinion.  Once they seduce the child, there is no turning back.  A child is going to listen to the parent that they feel is most unconditional….so when the alienator puts themselves in that position successfully…..their job is set for the long term.

9. The child is made to feel guilty for any love shown towards the alienated parent.  The child will deny any involvement with the alienated parent, fearful of what the alienator would do to him or her.  The child will tell you this until he or she realizes what is happening.  They know that it’s not safe to talk about their feelings toward the alienated parent…but they will tell the alienated parent what they feel and ask questions until they feel threatened by the alienator.

10. The child fears rejection by the programmer/ brainwasher/alienator so  wishes to say good things about the alienated parent or wishes to be with him or her are kept secret.

This is a start.  There are 28 indicators, so I’ll post some others later.

Parent Alienation is any type of behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, which mentally manipulates a child into believing that the other parent is the cause of all of the problems (their’s and the alienating parent’s) in their lives and that the other parent is the “enemy”, “bad one”, “dead beat”, “irresponsible” or one to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

If you feel that your parent is doing this….please tell someone like a counselor, who can help you.

There are many methods that the alienating parent may use and I will post them a couple at a time.

Pay attention to the reality of the situation, not the fantasy in your mind.

My significant other’s ex wife told her 17 year old son that she would rather die than have her son live with his father and that she would take him to court….She has also documented that she has no involvement in her son’s relationship with his father.  He is having trouble at home with her apparently.  He says she is controlling and difficult.   It  probably had to do with his confusion about his father.  He wants to know more about his dad so he called him and asked to come live with him.   She, of course, blew a gasket and convinced him that he didn’t know his dad well enough and if he knew what he was really like…… What a typical way to scare someone into doing what they want.  She wants her son to continue to “hate” his father and she has almost succeeded.  The 17 year old doesn’t hate his dad, but is used to the fact that his father is not around, so that must mean what mom said is true….that he doesn’t care or is not interested.  The child has no idea what the father has gone thru because the mom has methodically, thru the years, brainwashed all 3 of the children into believing that “dad” is a deadbeat.  She has made it her life’s mission to destroy this man.  Why?  She got divorced….and she got a bunch of money.   Why would she want to emotionally mess up her own kids?  It is one of the most self centered things that a person can do.  She has basically controlled the lives and well being of 4 people…..and all for her own interests.

Over the next few months, I will be posting the signs of parent alienation, as well as some facts.  Our system needs to change.  Too many children are being affected by the untreated  personality disorders of others…and yup….I’m pissed.

Charlie writes: Is it just me, or does it seem that a greater number of teenagers seem to lack the motivation it takes to succeed in life?  Vidoe games, texting, hlicopter parents?  Is there a connection here?

Sonia says:  In my opinion there is a connection.  It’s called over stimulation!  Why be motivated.  Everything is so convenient and that’s what this generation is taught….if it takes too much motivation or work…don’t do it.  I’m not saying tht cell phones and video games are not cool, because they are awesome.  But…what happened to riding your bike, or actually writing a note?  We have been overtaken by  the convenience of technology.  It causes ADD….they can’t concentrate unless it’s of interest to them and if they do find focus, it’s only for a minute.  We have created an over stimulated, over anxious world….

Melanie writes:  I am concerned about my daughters self esteem. She is always worried about how she looks or if she looks fat.She is very critical of her appearance.If she cannot find something to wear she will not go out.How do you build self esteem in a teenager? She is a beautiful girl, however has had to deal with girls being very jealous, critical and mean at school.I changed her to a different high school that was not as affluent and that seems to have helped.

Sonia says: Your daughter is not alone.  It is so hard to be a teen today…there is so much competition.  I think that we don’t encourage them to communicate properly.  It’s all about who has the most stuff, who is skinniest, who has the best clothes etc. etc.  So to answer your question about what to do….I say offer guidance and encouragement and do it often.  If they make a C…say “Good, you passed. Are you happy with what you did?”.  Teach them how to make decisions for themselves, not to make efforts for you.  As for the weight issue, depending on the extent of things, consider having an objective party talk with her.  I cannot tell you how much a girl’s therapy group does for a teenager in her position.  I’m not saying that your daughter “needs therapy”, but I don’t know a teenager that could not benefit from talking to someone (other than their parent’s) that is reliable and objective.  It’s a great resource for everyone.  If you want to give me more details, I’d be glad to comment further!