Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

Codependence means doing for others what they are capable of doing themselves…and/or using things outside of yourself to get your needs met. 

All chemical addicts are codependent, but not all codependents are chemical addicts.

Emmie writes:  Does dating and who you chose to date have anything to do with your self image?  When do you know when you are in a healthy place to date?

Sonia says: Absolutely.  I talk about this in my book….we seek out in others what we see in ourselves.  So, if you see yourself as “less than” or if you do things to present yourself in a “lessor” way, than you will probably end up dating the same….over and over.  One of my biggest issues has been finding someone who is emotionally available.  Well….I struggled a lot with feeling like I was “enough”….smart enough, pretty enough, financially stable enough, independent enough.  It’s not that easy to figure out that the men that I dated were also “not enough”.  Why should they be when I was overcompensating, trying to prove how “enough” I was.  They didn’t have to be….I ended up doing it all.  So discovering the difference between being emotionally available and vulnerable was a big awakening for me. 

To answer your question…yes, it does matter.  Work on you and then the right one will come around…or you will seek him out.  Don’t make any decisions before you are ready to make them.  In my opinion, unless you just got out of a long relationship, and need to give yourself a little breathing room…go out!.  If an opportunity comes around to date someone…go!  If it’s nice, go again….if it sucks, try someone else.  Part of growing is knowing how to say when someone is not healthy for you!  You won’t know if you don’t go out and meet a few frogs.  It is really empowering to KNOW when someone is not right for you because THEY are not in an evolved enough place for you.

thanks…..good question!

You can have anything you want in this lifetime, it’s all in your approach.  So if your approach sucks…so will your results.

Parent Alienation is any type of behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, which mentally manipulates a child into believing that the other parent is the cause of all of the problems (their’s and the alienating parent’s) in their lives and that the other parent is the “enemy”, “bad one”, “dead beat”, “irresponsible” or one to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

If you feel that your parent is doing this….please tell someone like a counselor, who can help you.

There are many methods that the alienating parent may use and I will post them a couple at a time.

Mary asks: I work very hard and my boyfriend also has a good job, but we are having problems with our division of labor.  Both of us work, but he is this traditional guy that doesn’t want to help at all around the house.  He says his family would look at him like he was less than a man if he worked with me to keep the house clean.  Otherwise, this is a good man.  he doesn’t cheat and is a good lover.  Help!

Sonia says:  Get a maid and split the cost.  Then you can just do the things that you want to do around the house.  Besides, does he do all the “man” things in your relationship, like fill your car with gas, and keep it serviced, cut the grass (if you have read my book, you know that’s important), do all the outside work, fix toilets etc.  I think the “my family would look at me like less of a man” thing is silly and immature….and a cop out.  If he’s such a good man, he’d be more respectful.  You have a job….why do you have to work out of the home and in the home too?  And….how would his family know that he helped clean the house?  Being the “man of the house” means setting an example and treating everyone with respect and fairness.

Chris writes:  I haven’t seriously dated in quite some time, any advice to those of us in our 40′s on re-entering the dating scene?

Sonia says:  My suggestion is this:  don’t panic.  You are too old for that.  Kidding.  Being in your 40′s offers its advantages.  Usually, you know what you want or are at least more clear about it.  Focusing on what is on the inside makes more sense than it did years ago and being honest isn’t as frightening.  Honesty, openness and willingness….that’s from AA.  It works if you work it…..just make sure you are being honest with yourself.  Most importantly, be yourself and be authentic.

Marty writes:  My girlfriend is 120 lbs and thinks she is fat and thinks she is not were she need to be… How do I tell her she is fine where she is without being critical? I mean literally she is skinny and thinks there are places on her body that make her look fat.

Sonia says:  I’d be a rich woman if I could come up with the answer to this one….right?  I do it too.  What I think we need to do individually is focus on what we can change and then go from there.  If she hates her hips, she can do exercises to help them.  I know when I feel fat, it is because there is a part of my body that bugs me…it’s not necessarily fat, I just want it toned.  Also, if she is small and always has been small, it’s hard to not notice any changes, even if they are small.  Get it?  It’s weird, I know.  I am a little heavier than I’ve ever been right now, and I can’t believe that I complained about my weight 2 sizes ago.  But, now I get it…I really did notice every little thing.  It does become obsessive…seriously…and it’s not healthy.

Therapeutically, it would help your girlfriend to explore what she fears.  Is her fear really getting fat?  Is it fear that you will leave if she isn’t perfect? Or maybe that you will look at other girls if she can’t compete?  Only she knows.  As far as what you can do goes….just tell her that you love her just the way she is and that she is awesome….and it would help your relationship if she got to the place where she thought she was awesome too.

Pay attention to the reality of the situation, not the fantasy in your mind.

My significant other’s ex wife told her 17 year old son that she would rather die than have her son live with his father and that she would take him to court….She has also documented that she has no involvement in her son’s relationship with his father.  He is having trouble at home with her apparently.  He says she is controlling and difficult.   It  probably had to do with his confusion about his father.  He wants to know more about his dad so he called him and asked to come live with him.   She, of course, blew a gasket and convinced him that he didn’t know his dad well enough and if he knew what he was really like…… What a typical way to scare someone into doing what they want.  She wants her son to continue to “hate” his father and she has almost succeeded.  The 17 year old doesn’t hate his dad, but is used to the fact that his father is not around, so that must mean what mom said is true….that he doesn’t care or is not interested.  The child has no idea what the father has gone thru because the mom has methodically, thru the years, brainwashed all 3 of the children into believing that “dad” is a deadbeat.  She has made it her life’s mission to destroy this man.  Why?  She got divorced….and she got a bunch of money.   Why would she want to emotionally mess up her own kids?  It is one of the most self centered things that a person can do.  She has basically controlled the lives and well being of 4 people…..and all for her own interests.

Over the next few months, I will be posting the signs of parent alienation, as well as some facts.  Our system needs to change.  Too many children are being affected by the untreated  personality disorders of others…and yup….I’m pissed.

Michelle writes:

Hey Sonia: I was wondering if you had any advice on appropriate ways to handle inappropriate in-laws. HELP

Sonia says:

Well….that covers a lot of area!  So, first define the inappropriateness.  Is it verbal, emotional, mental or physical?  Then ask yourself, “How important is it?”.  If it is trivial, let it go.  That way it doesn’t get lots of attention and you minimize the manipulation factor.  If it is bigger, confront it….nicely.  Set the boundary, which sets the stage for the future.  Sometimes, not all the time, people respond immediately and don’t cross the line again.  Others will keep up the act to see how far they can push you.  At that point, you try to remove yourself….but say you are removing yourself.  Hopefully, you will have the support of your partner to back you up.  That always reduces the stress.  But if he is wishy washy, you can still handle it…it just takes longer (sometimes very long). Just be consistent.  Hope this helps!