Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Emmie writes:  Does dating and who you chose to date have anything to do with your self image?  When do you know when you are in a healthy place to date?

Sonia says: Absolutely.  I talk about this in my book….we seek out in others what we see in ourselves.  So, if you see yourself as “less than” or if you do things to present yourself in a “lessor” way, than you will probably end up dating the same….over and over.  One of my biggest issues has been finding someone who is emotionally available.  Well….I struggled a lot with feeling like I was “enough”….smart enough, pretty enough, financially stable enough, independent enough.  It’s not that easy to figure out that the men that I dated were also “not enough”.  Why should they be when I was overcompensating, trying to prove how “enough” I was.  They didn’t have to be….I ended up doing it all.  So discovering the difference between being emotionally available and vulnerable was a big awakening for me. 

To answer your question…yes, it does matter.  Work on you and then the right one will come around…or you will seek him out.  Don’t make any decisions before you are ready to make them.  In my opinion, unless you just got out of a long relationship, and need to give yourself a little breathing room…go out!.  If an opportunity comes around to date someone…go!  If it’s nice, go again….if it sucks, try someone else.  Part of growing is knowing how to say when someone is not healthy for you!  You won’t know if you don’t go out and meet a few frogs.  It is really empowering to KNOW when someone is not right for you because THEY are not in an evolved enough place for you.

thanks…..good question!

You can have anything you want in this lifetime, it’s all in your approach.  So if your approach sucks…so will your results.

Cindy writes: I’m 30 years old.  I’ve had several boyfriends, but recently became involved with a younger man.  I thought that he was at least 25 from the way he looks.  I mean, he can grow a full beard and weighs 220 pounds.  But, he just graduated from high school.  He’s 18!!  If he’s old enough to go to Iraq, isn’t he old enough for me?

Sonia says: I think what you have to address first is the fact that he is in a different stage of development than you are.  I mean, he is just out of  school. When you look back, what did you REALLY know when you were 18?  I know now, that I didn’t know squat, I just thought I did. I understand that you might have things in common ( I have things in common with every teenager that I work with…I used to be a teenager) and that it might be fun, but when it comes down to it, is that the foundation that you or he needs for a lasting relationship?  hmmmm.  When you throw in the “going to Iraq” thing….which means that he won’t even have to be available physically, and that there will be a huge distance between you…Think about it…is that what the relationship needs to hang on?  The idea becomes more powerful than the reality. Just be careful not to make it a “Romeo and Juliet” thing.

Mary asks: I work very hard and my boyfriend also has a good job, but we are having problems with our division of labor.  Both of us work, but he is this traditional guy that doesn’t want to help at all around the house.  He says his family would look at him like he was less than a man if he worked with me to keep the house clean.  Otherwise, this is a good man.  he doesn’t cheat and is a good lover.  Help!

Sonia says:  Get a maid and split the cost.  Then you can just do the things that you want to do around the house.  Besides, does he do all the “man” things in your relationship, like fill your car with gas, and keep it serviced, cut the grass (if you have read my book, you know that’s important), do all the outside work, fix toilets etc.  I think the “my family would look at me like less of a man” thing is silly and immature….and a cop out.  If he’s such a good man, he’d be more respectful.  You have a job….why do you have to work out of the home and in the home too?  And….how would his family know that he helped clean the house?  Being the “man of the house” means setting an example and treating everyone with respect and fairness.

Chris writes:  I haven’t seriously dated in quite some time, any advice to those of us in our 40′s on re-entering the dating scene?

Sonia says:  My suggestion is this:  don’t panic.  You are too old for that.  Kidding.  Being in your 40′s offers its advantages.  Usually, you know what you want or are at least more clear about it.  Focusing on what is on the inside makes more sense than it did years ago and being honest isn’t as frightening.  Honesty, openness and willingness….that’s from AA.  It works if you work it…..just make sure you are being honest with yourself.  Most importantly, be yourself and be authentic.

Marty writes:  My girlfriend is 120 lbs and thinks she is fat and thinks she is not were she need to be… How do I tell her she is fine where she is without being critical? I mean literally she is skinny and thinks there are places on her body that make her look fat.

Sonia says:  I’d be a rich woman if I could come up with the answer to this one….right?  I do it too.  What I think we need to do individually is focus on what we can change and then go from there.  If she hates her hips, she can do exercises to help them.  I know when I feel fat, it is because there is a part of my body that bugs me…it’s not necessarily fat, I just want it toned.  Also, if she is small and always has been small, it’s hard to not notice any changes, even if they are small.  Get it?  It’s weird, I know.  I am a little heavier than I’ve ever been right now, and I can’t believe that I complained about my weight 2 sizes ago.  But, now I get it…I really did notice every little thing.  It does become obsessive…seriously…and it’s not healthy.

Therapeutically, it would help your girlfriend to explore what she fears.  Is her fear really getting fat?  Is it fear that you will leave if she isn’t perfect? Or maybe that you will look at other girls if she can’t compete?  Only she knows.  As far as what you can do goes….just tell her that you love her just the way she is and that she is awesome….and it would help your relationship if she got to the place where she thought she was awesome too.

For those of you who have read my book, this is for the next one.  This story comes from one of my clients:

So, youve done the internet dating thing and it hasn’t really worked out.  Maybe it’s because you are looking for the wrong thing, or maybe it’s because you already know it won’t work.  But, you try one more time because your friends are telling you that you are getting too isolated and going back to the “same” thing over and over. blah blah… So, “ok” you say…one more time.

After a series of emails, this one guy makes it to the “coffee” stage even though he is ex military, which doesn’t fit with your laid back attitude and free spirited way of thinking.  But, ok….give it a try.  So, you are at starbucks talking to him and he is nice enough.  He keeps berping though…a lot.  Then he says, “Sorry, but I am a little gasssyyy today”.  Right.  Got gas. Great.  This isn’t even a first date and he’s telling me he’s got gas.  The coffee thing ends and he suggests we go for a walk around a track that is just across the street.  Ok, I guess.   We take our cars to the other parking lot and as he is walking up to me, he let’s one loose.  Now….keep in mind that this is a first meeting and you have known the dude for 45 minutes.  Then…..he does it 4 more times on the little walk-around-the-track thing!  Like it’s no big deal!  No explanation or anything!!  But then again, what do you say?  Finally, he says, “See, I have gas”.  Yup…I see, smell, hear…but thanks for letting me know.  Appreciate that.

So when it’s finally over, he says, “I’d really like to see you again”.  You sort of want to say “ok” because you don’t want to be judgemental…you know….just because he had a bad stomach day he gets ousted.  But you gather up the courage and say, “You know, I really don’t think we have enough in common to be more than friends”.  He says, “Ok, I’d like to be friends”.  What else could he say?  No?  Then he wants a hug….and goes in for a kiss!!!???  Did he hear nothing?  He farted and berped for over an hour!

Some men just do not listen.  What would be the warning label here?   Don’t go out with a guy who just ate cheese???

Pay attention to the reality of the situation, not the fantasy in your mind.